My Pain, My Joy

Emily Faith's 2nd bday

It was during my seven (7) months of pregnancy that I had come to know that my baby has a congenital defect. It was seen during the ultrasound test that she is hydrocephalic. When the doctor told me the baby’s condition, it was as if my whole world suddenly stopped. In all those remaining weeks of my pregnancy, I had to undergo a series of ultrasounds and was really shaken to find out that her spine is curved. Worse came to worst, my baby's back is not fully developed when she was born and she needs to undergo an immediate operation to close her back as well as to insert a shunt on her head at that time.

Life has not been that easy for us, but there is a life that has to be carried on. Though doctors told me she wouldn't have good mental development, it was unfair for my baby not to let her be given a chance to see the light of this world. God is the only One who could get back what He has given.

weeks old, before the surgery

My daughter has been diagnosed with myelomeningocele or a syndrome of  Arnold Chiari malformation II. My little cuddly baby who was only 5 lbs more had undergone two (2) types of operations when she was barely a month old. One in the head for the shunt and another on her back to repair her lumbosacral. As she was growing, there is no trace that she has mental retardation as doctors had insinuated when she was still inside my womb. Now that she is four (4) years old, it pains me to see her moving from one place to another though with some limitations, because she wouldn't be able to walk due to damaged nerves in her lower extremities.

But in all of these, I have been thankful to the Lord for the special gift He has given us. We have given her the name Emily Faith Princess, after my name, and because through faith, impossibilities had become possibilities. Though there are therapies and medications needed for her to stay healthy, she’s giving us joy and laughter. That baby girl who has limitation in her movement never give us limitation for the joy, sweetness, and embraces she's always giving us.

What's More Painful?

     The "physical" definition of pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage or described in terms of such damage. But what about the pain that we have experienced emotionally?..well, actual and potential tissue damage is not present here. Emotional pain is what we feel inside..things that make us hurt as if we're bleeding inside.
     Pain, according to Dr. Don Ranney in his "Anatomy of Pain" says that it is a perception, not really a sensation, in the same way, that vision and hearing are. It involves sensitivity to chemical changes in the tissues and then interpretation that such changes are harmful. This perception is real, whether or not harm has occurred or is occurring. Cognition is involved in the formulation of this perception. There are emotional consequences and behavioral responses to the cognitive and emotional aspects of pain.

*image credit to sweetdelight.deviantart.com

     From that definition, I would say pain depends on what we perceive as painful, how we could tolerate a certain pressure, disaster, calamities, life-threatening situation, unacceptable words, a love loss..whatever you have in mind that could stop your world for a while. One thing is for sure.. what we think would hurt us is really painful.

     Emotional pain is not necessarily the cause of physical pain..and sometimes..emotional pain can cause physical pain. So what's more painful?... Let me see... I met an accident sixteen years ago, I was crossing the street when a car suddenly hit me and according to some witnesses, I flew 4 meters away from where I stand. Does it hurt?.. I didn't feel anything during those times because I fell unconscious and didn't even know what had happened. Just after I woke up that I had gotten to know I met an accident. I got bruises and stitches on my head. After six hours, that's when I felt the throbbing pain in my head maybe due to a shock...and every time my headaches I always remember the dreaded pain I had felt that time. After a year, I found out that my boyfriend was dating another woman not only one but two. It hurts and I will find out later this incident will have bearing on what I am going through and what I am writing now.

     As everyone perceives it, it's painful to have trusted someone and yet you found out he doesn't deserve it; very painful to have known that the baby inside your womb would not live a normal life; very painful too to have met a blow from the one you have loved most, receiving every word that you would not even thought he would say; and painful too to find out he's turning you to a fool making every bit of what he had done would take the blame on you...and later to find out he got another woman pregnant...Pain??..Yes! very painful..don't even know how I would live every bit of it. I made some mistakes but who would understand? The one I trusted so much now has lost it... Every day, the pain seethes in, losing my respect for the person I have been with for the past thirteen years. The happier I turns to be withdrawn and make a happy face though sad within. Painful it is that I can no longer say such words as tears began rolling on my face again...and up to you what you think is more painful...